Bunny wished to make clear his concerns around the festive season in his annual letter to Santa. I tried to dissuade him, but, surprisingly, he just would not listen.
I am writing to you in an effort to try to make sense of the mystery that surrounds you and your merrymaking in this, the festive season.
You see, up until recently I had been under the misguided impression that your generosity in giving out presents to all the Bunnies of the world was merely because you were a jolly old fellow, as I have always heard you referred to in songs.
It has come to my attention that you actually require some sort of behaviour promise for us to receive said goodies. Could that not be deemed as blackmail (I once saw a blackmailer on an episode of “Law and Order” sent to prison for such an activity…and don’t tell Au Pair I was watching, I was supposed to be asleep in bed hours earlier, but after she has had her evening tipple, she sometimes fails to notice my late evening wanderings)?
Now, apparently you have a “Naughty or Good List” upon which all the Bunnies of the world are marked under the appropriate column (and I must add, does not the fact Au Pair is always calling me Bad Bunny put me immediately at a disadvantage?). Firstly, how on Earth can you know what ALL the Bunnies are doing ALL the time? Surely there must be room for error… And secondly isn’t the idea of “good” open to interpretation, and indeed “good” for whom. My behaviour is never anything but great fun for me.
You see, I thought it awfully “good” fun when I decided Giraffe would make a particularly delightful Christmas tree once adorned with fairy lights. He was so resplendent in his glowing glory once plugged in…oh you should have seen him, or maybe you did, given you apparently know what ALL the Bunnies are doing ALL the time. However, Au Pair told me I was being terribly naughty and sent me to the Box of Contemplation. I can only imagine she was upset with me because I did not put her home made Christmas star atop his head (you see, it is terribly ugly, all sticks and red plastic berries, it would have ruined my display).
So you see Santa, I am in a bit of a quandary as to what exactly is required of me to receive the bounty I am due. You can write me at the Nursery. Just address it to Bunny. I am terribly clever, and though only four, do know how to read and type.
PS And by the way who, indeed, are you to say what is deemed as “naughty or good” when your very likeness was created by a greedy, planet raping, obesity contributing, evil corporate giant of the Cola variety. The fact you allow your representation to have been broadcast such by such a money hungry beast - should that not be deemed as “naughty”? Or in the very least “not good”?
Given your influence over Bunnies of the youthful kind should you not wish to be associated with more wholesome activity? Everyone knows Cola rots your teeth, and it’s only redeeming feature is it’s inordinate ability to clean copper coins.
So, ye of the red and white suit so astonishingly close to the branding of aforementioned Cola, I ask that you reassess the bribery upon which you deign to gift give or not.
Not so much luff anymore,
PPS Unless, of course, you do indeed bring me everything on my wish list, then we can most certainly
be friends again.
An unfortunate incident - from the diary of an Au Pair